how to do that? well, i don’t know, and it doesn’t have to be something that happens easily, naturally, quickly, or maybe ever completely. but that it hurt enough to say something about it now is notable, and you should feel proud of yourself.

i will say two things: one, every pair of sisters feels like this to varying degrees. i too am an older sister, and even though my little sister is 8 years younger than me, i still get weird jealousy pangs, especially when i was back living with my parents. she’s so tall, she’s so thin. she was so popular in high school in a way that i never was or never even knew how to be. she’s so effortless. she didn’t care what my parents said or did. and then i found reasons to make myself feel bad about it: she’s 18, how can you compare the hips of an 18 year old to your post-college figure? and then i did even worse, finding ways to make myself look better: well, at least my skin is better than hers, at least i got the brains.

this is ridiculous too, and brings me to my second point: your little sister is jealous of you too. your little sister may be beautiful in many ways, but i guarantee that part of her wishes she could shave her head and dye her hair pink, give up her office job and be an artist, turn her creative thoughts into physical things she made with her hands — just like her big sister.

we are smart, successful women, and as such we have been unconsciously conditioned to compare, to downplay, and to self-judge. the same instincts that manifest in your critical eye and sharp wit turn inward and wreak havoc on your own feelings of self-worth. understand that what is going on with you is like a cancer, that is, normal healthy thought processes working over time and attacking the mind and body that willed them into existence in the first place. and the next time you feel yourself comparing yourself to her in her presence, take note of how awful it feels and how much effort you’re actually putting into those feelings, and try instead to refocus that energy back into something productive - i KNOW you know how to do that, you’re basically getting a degree in that.

it’s hard. these feelings are so complicated and ingrained into your personality, and they’re incredibly complex and unique to you. but at the same time, you’re not alone; most women have felt this to varying degrees, even the apparently beautiful and successful ones.

You and your sister are different, have different goals, purposes, etc. The fact that some of your personality has hinged on this comparison will make it more difficult to unravel, unfortunately, but it’s probably going to be difficult to unravel anyway. Of course, the irony is that you feel unattractive compared to her, and you feel bad about yourself for beating yourself up about it. It becomes this spiral of self-loathing which can be very hard to break from, but you have to realize you’re doing it before you can stop.

Asking yourself why beauty is so important is a good step, too. Is it valued in your family? Above what? If so, why? And so on. What does your sister’s beauty get her that you would want to have, that you don’t have? And then ask yourself: what do you have that you’ve gotten by being who you are? What (good) things have you attracted and earned by being uniquely you?

There’s much more to this process, and not that you asked my advice, but that’s what came to mind. Feel free to ignore.

i related to what you said because i have often felt jealous of my sister’s beauty, too, and even angrier because she doesn’t seem to realize that she is beautiful.

::does a brief celebratory dance::